I Want to Bang on the Drum All Day

The journey of a mother waking up in the middle of the daily storms of family life.

My computer taunting me.

Staying mindful in an emotionally intense situation is tricky.

I’ve had my share of wanting to escape to an island and swim and fish all day.

But I also chose to have kids.

And family life with kids is often not a tropical island feel. Andrew Baglia ✨⛏️ my witness and cohort can attest.

It’s the peace I crave.

I mean, I love me a good adventure in the beauty of the natural world.

But even when we go camping and hiking in the majestic, serene Appalachian Mountains that are our backyard, if I’m not secure with conjuring up peace, the anxiety follows me into the woods.

And the way I’ve learned to conjure up peace is through mindfulness.

Retraining myself to not buy into the stories and feelings as my identity.

And instead, remembering, We are Source that all things arise from.

All things.

Thoughts, emotions, events, our human self.

All the things in life arise from who we are.

It’s pointless to try to wrap our head around it.

But that’s where we start. Because we are thinking creatures by nature. We have a brain that likes to be active.

It’s kind of like, you have to agree with the idea in your head and then you have to tell your head you got it from here.

And you have to lean into the experience of knowing.

Enter intensity.

It’s like a fast-moving river. Comes along and sweeps you away before you realize what’s going on.

I had a spiritual teacher tell me years ago that you have to practice mindfulness in the quiet times. Get solid in the practice.

Like an athlete or chef or performing artist. You rehearse and practice and train and test things out when no one is watching and you can focus better.

My saving grace has been my car rides getting the kids to school. And the bathroom that still has the locking door. And the brief moments when my head hits the pillow at night and before I crash out from the exhaustion of the day.

And in the morning. The sweet, quiet morning. Before the house wakes up.

I can’t sleep in even if I wanted to. My makeup doesn’t seem to let me anymore. But me and the cat and the birds and my coffee relish in the stillness. It’s easy to feel peace before the emotional tugs light up the day.

I know what peace feels like. I know how I get there. I tell the worries that I wake up into in the morning that they are not who I am. The financial fears. The fact that we don’t have running water for 3 months. That’s an essay in itself. The guilt that I haven’t mastered mindfulness in the dramas of family life.

These thoughts and the emotions that rise with them are not who I am. And by reminding myself this for months, they actually don’t haunt me the way they used. They don’t even seem to show up as much. And if they do show up, they don’t have the power to make me miserable like they once did.

So this intensity thing I keep circling myself out of addressing. It still gets me. I still get triggered and blinded. I forget the whole idea of mindfulness. Because there are some deep-seated beliefs in there that pull me in. It’s like the trigger is tied to an anchor that is wedged under a boulder.

I’ve gotten MUCH better at catching myself quickly in hindsight and analyzing what just happened. “So he said this and then I reacted and looking back I can see how disconnected I was when I was reacting. And now I feel guilty and like a failed Mom. And. Aha! That is not who I am! I am not this guilt story. I am not a failed Mom. I am not the overwhelm of the feelings. We are Source that all things arise from.”

It’s a very powerful step in the right direction.

The wholly direction.

Today is the day (again) I deepen my practice to alchemize intensity on the spot. Process through the thought-feeling take over faster than AI can give relationship advice.

A substacker reminded me to play. Thanks Mark Jacobs!

Like drumming! I love drumming! Maybe I need a little drum necklace to tap on to remind me to wake the F*ck up.

One more cup of coffee (half-caf) and I am ready.

Game on! 🙏

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